We now stand together on the precipice of summer’s end, overlooking the fraternal dreamland that is the start of the American football season. From our vantage point you may see synchronous flocks of boys II men progressively changing their conversations from agentic AI lithium ion data centers to 3 WR trips bunch sets as they migrate to the make believe world of generational wealth by scheming up their next 10 leg parlay.
Pats fans, doing their best to overcome the loss of their 11th SB in the last 30 years, are walking into this year with pumped out pectorals, loving that the league thinks that last year was a fluke. The doubters will realize soon enough that Drake Maye might be the best football player on the planet. The Lombardi journey starts against hard knocks boring ass Seahawks as they’ll kick off their season on a Wednesday as Thursday is now dedicated to NFL’s monopolistic dreams of being the The Grid-Iron Curtain to take over the world and send teams on 24 hour plane rides to Australia.
I’ve never been to Australia and don’t have any ounce of desire to. I have a personal problem with people that don’t speak English correctly like Andrew Jackson beseeched it to be, unless you are a Brit slobbering octaves as a rock band in the 70’s or Steve Irwin wrestling crocs or sting rays. But as someone that now lives across the world and timezones, I love that The Kremlin Goodell (who just received a billion dollar raise from the owners for being a puppet btw) is pushing the frontlines of his sport across it’s geographic borders. Maybe American football will be the solution for peace in the Middle East. Picture it, blue-balled and insecure men would then have an outlet for their anger that results in some kind of satisfying, harmless violence instead of worshipping soccer “victims” fake injuries and complain to refs. Take a second, take a deep breath and really think about it, will football colonization save the world?
But with every global conquering blueprint, Sir Isaac Newton says comes an equal opposite reaction. Globalizing football may influence our youth to take CTE/ braindamage-maxxing to another level, something we absolutely can’t afford as our planet is drying out of its natural resources and the only thing gen z decides to farm is clout.
Only a few of the millions of devout pats quarterly readers know that once upon a time I was a 8 year old with plenty of promise, impersonating Drew Bledsoe and slinging ropes and calling read-routes on the recess field. However, I never played organized football because I was a soccer panzy and my jewish suburban mother was worried about braindamage-maxxing. Little did she know that I would get my damage-maxxing from a headbutt by harmlessly flirting at a bar with a random redneck succubus in college. Don’t worry I am fine and seeing a neurologist and for now I seem to be able to at least write a few paragraphs about absolute nonsense.
So let’s get back to the Pats and how we’re thinking about this season. Gonzo ~~is still unsigned~~ was signed today, as Kraft “called game” with his buzzer beater contract. What a surprising turn of events as it was announced that same day it was reported the Patriots all time succubus Matt Groh was leading the negotiations. Kraft couldn’t handle the PR of Groh being the face of his franchise the day before the season. So thank you Kraft for finding a bit of spare chaaaaaange, I pray you are able to still secure your family’s future as you are still worth 14 billion dollars. It felt like we were beholden to a jewish fraternity treasurer as Kraft’s priority this summer was talking to the media and telling them that they will sign a contract but never actually putting money on the table.
After a few years it’s clear: Kraft, Belichick, and Brady are all just clinically insane human beings who’s egos needed each other to resemble themselves as a positive influence to the world. Once the three headed monster was guillotined, what results are three lonely, sad, aging men that have little semblance of reality due to their debilitating delusions of grandeur. Okay that was mean, I don’t want to abuse the elderly and leather pants wearing Brady, but it is fun to make fun of how crazy they have all become. I think maybe Belichick may be the the most seemingly normal? as he’s managed to quiet/gag Jordon a bit and like a normal father football coach (exhibit Andy Reid’s kids) he seems to be just dealing with his son’s cocaine addiction.
Outside of Gonzo, the other story of the summer was the sex scandal of Russini and Vrabel. The world seems to forget that pure, committed long term love can often include a “business-trips only” open relationship. Mike and Jen Vrabel, shaking off the rust of the sinful tabloids, are feeling refreshed and better than ever, smiling like the 90s lovebirds they have always been as they attended the most meaningless event of all time that is Travis Kelce and Taylor Swifts wedding at Madison Square Garden.
The wedding was as anyone could have predicted, an abominable waste of time, money, energy, and flight fuel. What could have taken place at MSG instead of this circus of people that don’t actually care about each other? How about a loving psilocybin sweated out crowd of Phish that could have gathered for their 11th sold out show at MSG this summer instead of only 10. The world was robbed, as their 11th show they were going to open with their famous track “Tweezer Reprise (teaser) > You Enjoy Myself > Tweezer (Non Reprise) > David Bowie > Changes (David Bowie Cover)”.
I love how Vrabel just blatantly said that the team is not so deep and then kept only 45 players out of the 90 that were at camp, and added 8 through waivers. We may be in trouble if any starter gets injured which speaks to our inability to draft anyone in the last 5 years. I counted and only like 20 players out of the 53 were actually drafted by the Patriots. 0 besides Maye from the 2024 draft. Meanwhile none of Pats Quarterly’s correct 12 draft predictions over the last 2 years have been cut. Some are saying that Pats Quarterly may have a better scouting track record than Eliot Wolf, Groh, and whoever else the Patriots hired from Pleasantville to run their football roster.
Drake Maye spent his offseason traversing the globe to cultivate his soul into a vast wealth of knowledge from foreign perspectives. As he calmly sauntered across the fish market in Tokyo during is 5am meditation walk, he observed the complete selfless dedication to the craft from the tradesman, and was profoundly affected by values of *“wa” *(harmony) and “*ganbaru*” (effort). That night he went to dinner and was served a salmon sashimi from the Jiro dreams of sushi himself, and as the flavor profile of the fresh fish and soy sauce delectably skipping through his esophagus, he had a moment of clarity of how to achieve the perfect end result of a Lombardi trophy. Maye, now bound deeper to his inner circle and zen, represents what the world is missing: a humble leader. We don’t see them very often on the front page, but once it’s said and done they will garner the most respect and success. Maye for MVP, Foxboro local councilman, President, all of the above.
Prior to his Japan excursion, Drake and Ann Michael had romantic sexual intercourse in Hawaii. After his post nut clarity, Drake threw a perfect spiral of a mollusk seashell into the waters of Oahu, praying to the football gods for better weaponry in his arsenal. His wishes were quickly received, as bookworm AJ Brown and “no giggles” Romeo Doubs are now the new leaders of the WR room. It’s been a long time since Moss, and the anticipation for this season and seeing our receivers be strong at the catch point makes me feel all the Goosebumps. AJ, used to being surrounded by the lack of inspirations and motivation of sad boi season Jalen Hurts and coke-head bully Nick Sirianni, won’t have to read books on the sideline as he’ll have all of the motivation he needs from Maye, Vrabel, + Co.
the best 10 bold predictions for the season you will ever read about the pats this year:
* **Gabe Jacas will learn how to play football:** Dude looks like an absolute unit. He looks like The Predator. Somewhere along the way he will understand how to read a run-pass option.
* **Mondre will have the most yards and TDs on offense:** This year is setting up to be Mondre’s year, as he’s still ghosting women. Also, Treveyon is too attached to Jesus to understand humility or reading zone runs.
* **Chism will truck stick a linebacker on a wham block:** Is that a freight train coming or 185 pounds of pure svelt in Chism? They used him as a blocker last year. Expect some blindside Chiz stick highlight to make your popcorn kernels pop a bit.
* **Marcus Jones will have 5 returns for TD’s this year.** The former RnB singer becomes this generation’s Devin Hester. Okay he’s not that good, but who else is close to him?
* **Will Campbell will actually be serviceable:** As time goes on, I think I like this guy and his souther drawl. AI his voice and have him read me the news for white noise while I’m going to bed.
* **Elijah Ponder will lead the team in sacks:** I don’t know, he’s the only guy that kind of looks like an edge and I’m trying to will him to be successful because the Edge is an embarrassment
* **The Pats will trade for a veteran Edge at the trade deadline:** The Edge position is currently an embarrassment
* **Ann Michael will start a cookie brand:** The concept has been proven. Now it’s time to scale
* **Belichick will reach 9 wins with UNC and keep his job.** Just some Billy B classic 1950’s offense and defense to squeak out some wins in the ACC and bore us all to death while doing it.
* **Tom Brady will have a dog in the fight.** Listen, he was clearly in la la land the last year. This year he’ll become human and answer the question correct
for the full PQ experience: patsquarterly.substack.com